It’s been a while....

It’s been awhile....it seems I’m always going to get back to this.....then life goes crazy.  I have lots of topics, heavy on my heart so I’m going to try to get back here much more often.

Life passes by so fast....We run thru our days and just try to get by and make it to 5 pm or the weekend only to look up and realize were not sure what we are doing or why.  What is the purpose?  

Galatians 5:22 English Standard Version (ESV)22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness

We must love everyday, find joy everyday, embrace peace that only God can give everyday, be patient everyday, show kindness everyday, embrace goodness and remain faithful.  This is our purpose daily.  Oh...did you expect something grand?  It seems this world thinks that we must go out and be someone or do something Grand to be important.  If everyone of us works to do each one of these things daily, our world would be so much more than it is today....It would be Grand in comparison.

So when you’ve had days like I have had for the past few months, when it seems the whole world is throwing up all over us....embrace His peace, be kind, love others, be joyful, be patient and remain faithful.  I think thats a lot to accomplish and after 54 years I’m still working on it and I have a lot of days I fail miserably.

Anxiety and stress overcomes me almost daily and I’m trying hard to find peace and be kind every day.  I hope that each of you can take a moment each day as I am and try to focus on each of these.  Peace has been my main focus due to the anxiety...but kindness seems to help also.  Others around us are suffering from unknown problems, hoping my kindness makes them feel alittle better each day.

-Heavy Heart

Family

We celebrated my youngest getting married last Friday.  It was a beautiful wedding and we had lots of fun with the whole family.  

This year has been a great year.  The birth of our first grandbaby and this wedding.  Our family has needed this joyous year.  

 I am so thankful that what's left of my parents (steps and my mom) can all come together, get along and even enjoy each other's company. 

I love that with both of my girls that the families they married into are good loving families and that we all enjoy visiting. 

Family is so very important in today's world.  When we have our differences forgiving and forgetting is the best solution because nothing should come between us.  Love of family comes first.   We are very blessed. 

Mothers Day

As I'm driving home today from work I was reflecting on being a Mom.  I thought back to when my girls were small and all the responsibilities as a young mom I had, it was not always easy but so worth it. 
I'd do it all again in a heartbeat to be able to come to today and see how awesome they are and how they continue to bloom in to wonderful young women.  My girls are the biggest blessings and most rewarding thing I've every been apart of, to me Mothers Day is a time to celebrate them and how blessed I am. 
The three of us have enjoyed so much together from the simple times of hanging out and watching movies, going shopping, attending church, doing the daily things as they grew up, to the times we have together now as they have become adults.  So many good memories that I love to recall.   As we continue to make memories with grandbabies and future weddings I'm so looking forward to enjoying this time in life when I can stand back and watch them mature into wonderful people with so much to give back to the world. 
Each one is different in their own way but a reflection of myself in so many ways.  I am so proud of the strong and confident young women they have become.  They are so kind, compassionate and wise.  How I was so blessed with such beautiful young women I can call my daughters is beyond me, I did nothing to deserve it.  Oh yes I was the crazy mom who didn't let them play in the front yard until they were 20...lol...I was a bit over protective...but I think I knew what treasures they were. 
So on this Mothers Day I want both of you to know I am very proud of you.  You are my Sunshine when sky's are grey!!!

The Past and the Future.....

I have silently (guess not now) vowed to blog more, I have so much on my mind and I think often of blogging it.  Over the last 3 years I've had a lot of things heavy on my heart I have not shared.  At the time it was probably best.  Grief and all its stages can be brutal at times.  But here I am still standing and 2015 has so much to look forward to.

Last year when 2014 came along I said all I wanted was a "normal" year, no major events or sad ones please.  I can say that was what I got for the most part but, I also got a few really happy events.  Kaela became engaged to a great young man who we all love and look forward to adding to the family although he already is, we will just make it official sometime in 2015.  Melissa and Patrick announced the coming of a grandchild and what a wonderful end of 2014 watching her bloom in to a beautiful mother to be.

So this year I will become a Grandma or I'm thinking "Gram".  Its kinda odd its seems, the years have gone by so quickly.  Could I really be this old?  I don't care!!!  I want to be the kinda of Grandma that my Grandma Emma and Grandmother Webb were, they were loving, fun and just easy to be around. They did a lot of things that were natural to them but really left their grandchildren with great memories.  Most of all they loved us abundantly.

Later this year we will have a wedding and I will have a family of 7!!!  I hope to do family pictures in the summer with all of them!!!

So as I reflect on 2014 and look toward 2015 my heart is heavy for the ones we will miss, I'm not sure we will ever stop missing them but, when I think of them now I know how happy they would be to know a great-grand baby is coming this year and that a grandchild will marry and find her happiness.  Lots of fun times and good memories ahead.

Fall

We are getting rain and are suppose to get it most of the weekend.  Fall is coming!!!  I love season changes but I really love fall.

Its a time to nest...to settle in and drink coffee concoctions and eat comfort foods (ugh...more pounds going to have to be careful).  All the new shows on TV...there are so many good ones coming I may become a boob in front of the boob tube!

Life seems to slow for a short bit and I look forward to sitting out on my porch with a hoodie and a hot drink and just watching the leaves fall.  Its a time to reflect and focus on the future.  Its a time to plan for the holidays and this year I will be planning for the new grand baby.  Oh boy I may not have time to slow down much since I need to start sewing.

We will find out Sunday what the gender is....so I have until then to relax and reflect because after that its time to sew....but I love that about fall to because with the weather cooling its time for more indoor things and that means sewing more stuff.  Well thats it for today.....

Let me be the first to say HAPPY FALL YA'LL!!!

Attached is a pic of the queen size quilt I just finished...my FIRST!!!  its got some mistakes but hey it adds character!!!

Time Marches On.....On

Wow I see that my last post was about my Dad a few days after losing him.  I miss him and at times, it is as intense as the day he left us.  But Time Marches On....

I will be a Grandma in Feb 2015...wow...never thought I would be this old or that my girls would be old enough to be momma's.  Melissa will be a great mom and so will Kaela someday.  Although things never turn out like you imagine and your dreams for the future are never quite what you thought they'd be.....life is good.  We also lost both Mark's parents in 2012 so it hurts to know that these three key people in our lives will not get the chance to be great grandparents to this new baby.  I do know they would have been very excited and happy.  Melissa and Patrick will do a great job and really don't need any of us to help them.  We already did our job so I guess now its their turn.

There have been many other losses of celebrities in the media recently, one that was very impactful was the loss of Robin Williams...who took his own life. Why does someone do this?  Someone who seems so full of life?  We recently lost someone in the flooring business who also felt this was his only option.  He was someone who was full of life and seemed to be so happy all the time too. It is just sad that someone could get to a point in this world that they think suicide is the only solution. That a person feels that have failed in someway or let someone down in someway that its unforgivable and there is no way past it.  Or that they are no longer as wonderful, young or smart as they once were.  What has our world come to?  How do we cope when things get rough?  How do we lose our hope?  Its tough...I know I have been depressed at times to the point of wishing I didn't have to get out of bed but eventually I get up and face another day because it is the only choice we should even consider.  God is the only one who should have a say in when we leave this earth...until then we suffer thru it and enjoy the bright days, there will always be some mixed in with the dark ones even when it seems the dark ones are drastically out numbering the bright days.  I  choose to march on with time and thru it to see what will happen next, I mean its time for some great things like grandkids and fun Christmas's again.

I turned 50 this year and it has been more difficult than any other age....I think more about how little time we have...even if we live to be old it goes by so fast.  We start out with so many dreams for the future and think we have so much time for these dreams to come true.  Its been hard to dream of anything over the last 3 years, I must admit it has been a very depressing and trying time.  It has definitely changed me.

Enough doom and gloom...I'm so old and depressed sounding!!!

Lets talk fun stuff...like quilting!!!

I have made my first queen size quilt...I have found this(sewing) as a therapy of sorts.  I spend alot of time thinking and sorting things out.  I figured out its not as easy as it looks!!!  But I got it done and its not to bad...a few errors here and there but the next one will be better.

Its funny how I once was a very outgoing, people person.  I loved going and being with a crowd of people.  At times I miss doing more and being more outgoing but most of the time I would rather stay home and cook, clean, garden or sew,....the hermit life looks pretty appealing at times.  LOL....well enough for now...got lots of things to say and share....there is alway something Heavy on My Heart.  Take care and love each other.

Daddy

Daddy...
Laugh....It was the last word I remember him saying.  Daddy loved to make us laugh.  He would poke fun at us or surprise us at times with things he'd say and when he got the reaction out of us he was going for he would chuckle and we would laugh.  He would make faces and act silly and aggrevate us just to make us laugh.  Some of his best was at Nancy....he loved to aggrevate her....and she would always respond by saying Gordon.....and sometimes giggling. 
Daddy told stories better than most anyone and when you could get him to start telling stories about the farm or his Dad and how they came to be in the Western Oklahoma area he was the best at remembering the facts and details.  Many of us have said we should have recorded him or someone should have written it all down.
Western Oklahoma was where he was from...the area was in his blood.  He was the most intellegent man I've ever known and he could have lived anywhere and been very successful but he loved this area and all his friends here and would never have been happy anywhere else.
Daddy loved his family and friends.  His friends were his family and most may have never realized just how much he loved them.  I knew this because when we'd talk and he would tell me about one of them becoming ill or one who had passed on, I could hear the heartache and pain in his voice.  It broke his heart. 
His family was so very important and many of us have said of the the last few months how Daddy was alittle stubborn and did what he wanted when he wanted.  I was thinking about this and there was only one person in his life that could tell him what to do and he'd listen and that was his Mom....he loved his mom and respected her so.... much. 
Daddy loved to read about places, history and great people in History.  No matter where you went with him he knew something about the place or someone who had lived there. 
Daddy also loved to fish, hunt and do crossword puzzles.  He loved to take pictures and he always had a new or different camera.  He was facinated by technology and was always grabbing our smart phones or Ipads and trying to figure them out. 
Daddy loved us girls, and I know many times he had no idea what to do with us.  When we came to visit one of the things we remember most is riding in his pickup and him singing to us.  Some of our favorites were "You are my Sunshine" and "You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille (or loose wheel). 
Daddy loved his grandchildren loved to play with them, tease them and be silly with them.

Live, Love and Laugh.....Daddy did all these things the best he knew how and he taught us them all through his life.  We will miss you always.

2013

Well 2012 is behind us....It was a rough one.  So many changes came and went through the whole year.  My family dealt with some great losses and some sad endings. 

For me the last 3 years have been very tough.  I'm hoping that things look up this year and begin to be normal if there is such a thing. 

Life is such a roller coaster ride full of twist and turns, loops and g-forces and just when you think its slowing down it speeds back up again. 

I have considered writing a book at times just on the things I've been through in this life and the things I've learned.  The people I've loved and the people who have left a mark on my life.  Maybe someday I will, in the meantime I may begin blogging about some of these things.  If I do I'm doing it to record the events not to look for counciling or advise, it is what it is and was what it was.  I have many great events that are so amazing too.  Here are just a few topics I may write on, if you follow this get ready if you don't and are just starting to follow well get ready for my rollercoaster ride you may chose to unfollow me at some point but its your choice.  I haven't been perfect and I've made bad choices, but I've made some very good choices and learned some very good lessons. 

Topics:
Family
Love
Bad People
Choices
Loss
Enduring Pain
Regret
People Pleasing
Motherhood
Wife
Friend
Aging
Youth

So many more....

Age

It seems like yesterday, I couldn't wait to grow up and be on my own.

Then I went to college and couldn't wait to get a real job. (how stupid was that!!)

Next thing I new I was married and had kids and I couldn't wait for them to get older so I didn't have to change diapers or carry them.  Then if they could be old enough to drive so I wouldn't have to drive them everywhere.  Then that stopped because all of a sudden they were grown and I wanted them back. 

All those times I have said "well when the kids are grown, I'm going to do this or that" that time is here and I don't want to do this or that.  And who wanted a real job!!!  I can't get away from it.  Its so overwhelming at times. 

I look in the mirror and I see someone I don't know, where did that young fresh faced girl go to?  The one that was pretty?  She's old!!!  She has wrinkles, patchy skin and she's fat!!!  Her arms have brown spots that are suppose to be on her dad and grandma's arms not hers!!!  Her joints ache and she's tired. 

I finally got horses (after having wanted one since I was 5) and I don't have the time or energy to spend with them.

I don't want to be old, give me back my 25 year old body!!!!

I'm Tired

I work in a very predominate mans business.  I'm tired of being looked at as the girl on the job, "oh great here comes a woman and a blond at that", "I heard you were a spitfire", I call one client and he answers "yes dear".  I think sometimes they are just trying to get along and I overlook alot.  But when I'm not taken seriously for my knowledge and my time in this business it just gets old.  When is enough, enough?  When do I loose it and throw my hands up and say prejudice!, Descrimination!!!, harrassment!!!  I am tired of it.  Some days I think I could just lay on the floor and throw a genuine fit or just totally beat the crap out of someone 3x my size.  The stress and pressure in this industry is bad enough but then adding on the fact that I have to overcome the woman thing somedays its just to much.  Sorry for venting tonight but that is what is heavy on my heart.

Tired of only thinking about and doing work too.  Time for something new just gotta find something that makes me happy, maybe a volunteer job something that makes a difference and means something then work won't seem so bad.